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Some of the world's worst
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Ein Schotte möchte die Sterbeanzeige für seine verstorbene Frau in der Zeitung veröffentlichen lassen. Als er gefragt wird, wie die Anzeige aussehen soll, sagt er nur: "Sarah ist tot". Als der Verleger erfuhr, dass das alles sein sollte, was man nach 35 Jahren Ehe seiner toten Frau mitgibt, machte er den Schotten darauf aufmerksam, dass drei Wörter in der Anzeige genauso viel kosten wie sieben Wörter. Daraufhin sagte der Schotte plötzlich: "Dann schreiben sie: Sarah ist tot und Nähmaschine zu verkaufen."
(eingesendet von Werner Hoffrichter)
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How do you torture a Scotsman? - Nail him to the floor and play him a Jimmy Shand record.
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A Scotsman, an Englishman, a hot blonde and a fat brunette get on the subway. They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they all hear a loud slap. When the lights come on, the Englishman has a big red handprint on his face.
The blonde thinks: "Oh, the Englishman must have made a move for me, but fondled that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him."
The fat woman thinks: "Hmm, that Englishman tried to put the moves on that blonde and got slapped. Good for her."
The Englishman thinks: "Hey, that Scotsman must have gone for the blonde, and she slapped me by mistake!".
The Scotsman thinks: "Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel soon, so I can hit that English bastard again."
(eingesendet von Alexandra)
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Two Scotsmen, both slightly drunk, were sitting in a railway carriage.
'Privatization of the railways', said one to the other, 'was the best thing that ever happened.'
'I agree', said the other. 'You're going to Glasgow and I'm going to Stirling and we're both on the same train.'
* * * * *
Sign on a Scottish golf course:
IMPORTANT NOTE TO MEMBERS: STOP PICKING UP LOST BALLS UNTIL THEY HAVE STOPPED ROLLING!
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Ein schottischer Pastor während der Predigt voll in Rage: "Am Tage des Jüngsten Gerichts wird es Heulen und Zähneklappern geben!"
"Waff iff mit mir", unterbricht ein Greis, "iff hab keine Fähne mehr."
"Ähh .... Zähne werden zur Verfügung gestellt."
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Maggie MacPherson kommt vom Geschäft zurück, wo sie für die ganze Woche eingekauft hat: Ein halbes Brot und sieben Flaschen Whisky.
Ihr Mann, noch angebläut von den Rationen der Vorwoche, grunzt sie an: "Was um Himmels willen sollen wir mit so viel Brot??"
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There are many theories about bagpipes, otherwise known as the missing link between music and noise. Some say they were invented by a Scotsman who trod on his cat and liked the noise. Others claim that they are based on the noise made by a dying octopus. However the truth is that they were given to the Scots by the Irish as a joke - but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
(eingesendet von Kay)
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Frage: Warum sind die Schotten die härtesten Männer der Welt?
Antw.: Weil ihnen das Herz nicht in die Hose rutschen kann!
(eingesendet von Alexandra)
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A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree. As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away. Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said, "I dinna know where y'been lad... but it's nice ta' know y'won first prize!"
(eingesendet von Alexandra)
* * * * *
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
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Frage: Wie ist eine "kleine Terz" definiert?
Antw.: Zwei Dudelsackspieler beim Versuch, einstimmig zu spielen
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Frage: Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einem Dudelsack und einer Zwiebel
Antw.: Niemand weint, wenn man einen Dudelsack zerschneidet?
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
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Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead piper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
(eingesendet von Alexandra)
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Q. Why do pipers march while they play?
A. A moving target is harder to hit.
(eingesendet von Alexandra)
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Frage: Inwiefern ist Dudelsack spielen wie Speerwerfen mit verbundenen Augen?
Antw.: Man muss nicht besonders gut sein, um die Aufmerksamkeit der Leute zu bekommen.
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Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
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Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Five - one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.
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Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
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Q. What's the difference between bagpipes and chainsaws?
A. Chainsaws don't have vibrato.
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Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
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Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
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Frage: Wie nennt man zehn tote Dudelsackspieler auf dem Meeresgrund?
Antw.: Einen guten Anfang.
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Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?
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Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
* * * * *
BAND STRUCTURE OF THE ARGYLL & SUTHERLAND HIGHLANDERS
Drum Major:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Faster than a speeding bullet
More powerful than a locomotive
Walks on Water
Talks to God
Pipers:
Leaps small buildings with a run-up
Is a crack shot
Pulls railway carriages
Fords rivers
Listens to god
Side Drummers:
Vaults over fences
Is allowed his own sidearm
Can read a railway timetable
Knows how to put on fishing gollashes
Believes in God
Tenor Drummers:
Can open and walk through a door
Knows which is the dangerous end of a gun
Has his own train set
Wears Wellington boots
Talks to himself
Bass Drummers:
Trips over matchsticks
Is NEVER allowed near firearms
Says "Look at CHOO-CHOO"
Plays in puddles
Nobody listens to him
and finally.
THE PIPE MAJOR:
Lifts tall buildings and walks underneath them
Catches bullets in his teeth and chews them
Kicks locomotives off their tracks
Drinks entire oceans
He IS GOD!!!!
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Kennt jemand vielleicht einen guten schottischen Witz? Mailt ihn uns!
erstmals erstellt: 16.1.2001; zuletzt überarbeitet: 28.10.2010
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